I know, I was painfully naïve

Worth it pa ba?

 i always feel triggered kapag nakikita ko mukha niya. Gusto ko siyang bugbugin hanggang mapagod ako.

Gusto kong manapak tuwing nakikita ko atnaaalala ang mga pangan ng mga babae niya.

Will I ever get over this? Worth it pa ba?

Tuwing tatanugin nila ako 'bakit pa rin nag stay?' at sasabihin nilang'maswerte siya na andiyan ka pa rin'

Without any strings attached. Walang anak, di kasal, walang investments.

Di ko alam ang isasagot ko. Masyado ba akong takot umalis? Comfortable? Too invested? Pero nagawa ko naman umalis datu. 

Maglista daw ako bakit worth it pa. Sana may maisulat.

First psychotherapy session

I need to distance myself from the trigger

No more bargaining 

There's still hope, but I need to heal myself muna.

Journaling and talking to someone that you feel safe will help.

Sana talaga makatulong.

Concerns about getting married ASAP:

-social pressure (including family)

-biological clock

-image 

NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES.

If may ginawang betrayal ulit, please. NO MORE.

Trust is really hard to gain once destroyed.

I got destroyed multiple times. Not just one, not twice, not thrice, pero I was still there. All the ups and downs. 

If papayag ako, consciously or unconsciously, iisipin niya na AH OKLANG PALA ULITIN.

9 years walang mintis

Sa loob ng 9 na taon, lahat yun may babae.

Nagsisisi ka man lang ba nung naghiwalay tayo?

Malamang hindi. 2017, very  proud ka pa magsabi na mag ex na tayo. 

Samantalang di ko ma imagine na ganun yung itatawag ko sa'yo.

Goal mo ba ma try lahat?

2020. Kahit tayo pa, sasabihan mo na SINGLE KA. IN FRONT OF YOUR LIVE STREAM.

Magaling.

Pero tangina. Patayin mo na lang ako.

I’m just surprised that I am still alive.

With all the pain, things I don’t know if I should know, 

It is all coming back to me.

I am the one who was hurt the most, but why were you acting that it was my fault?

Am I not allowed to feel what I am feeling?

I was betrayed, I was kept in the dark.

It was your choice to find another, and another, and another.

Will you ever be satisfied?

I wonder how long will I suffer from hearing your voice message saying

“ikaw yung pinili ko, bakit di mo ko hinintay?”

to another woman.

I just have to applaud you for taking a retreat with me while having the guts to say this to her.

I am so tired of the death threats, and more threats.

Why are you doing this to me?

“it’ll be a different story if I am not single”

And meanwhile, getting another girl in bed…whom I will never ever expect. 

The one that I warned you with.

How did it come to this?

You weren’t even satisfied that you even took two more girls with the same name as mine.

I wonder what you were thinking?

And all the other girls that you invited.

And invited you over.

And they are aware, laughing that I didn’t knew.

And all the film that you were making,

It is all in my head.

Why am I such a such a fool?

Thinking you can still change.

I don’t have respect left for myself.

You are saying you’re doing everything, as if I didn’t sacrifice those years being tied to you.

What’s holding me back?

Those names keep running into my head.

Please. Stop.

How can I make the time stop?

Help

And it’s been years…9 fucking years.

Just a few more days before the 9th.

Now I know how a prisoner feels like. 

I guess only death can set me free.

They say you control your life,

I want to say, you are lucky and blessed.

I can run and I can hide,

But the shadow is always here to stay.

Will I ever be free again?

This white sheet is just waiting for me to write again,

And thank you for not reacting violently on every single word that I am writing here.

A part of me wished that I didn’t know him,

But all the pain and suffering made me to who I am today - a combination of goodness and evil.

Some things I never knew I’d do,

Some things I wish I didn’t do,

Some things that I am thankful for, 

Some things that I learned,

Ultimately, it is I that will choose if I will swallow everything;

Or just accept everything and walk away.

Will you ever change?

All this time…I stayed.

A year from now, the roots will even grow stronger.

And if you know me,

Please come and help me.

I'll count from 1 to 3 from here

Most of the time, people become reluctant to rely onto others not because they weren't listening, nor they weren't there; it's because they did not make themselves feel that they were there for them.

I sometimes blame online technology for making communication more convenient and a lot easier; because we learn how people can easily ignore others as fast as a fraction of a second.

Do you know bad this person felt when needed a cushion or a channel to minimize the whole darkness inside?

Out of all those incidents, I'll be counting this as one, but definitely not the first. One, two, three and it will be soon all over.

I just can't seem to believe that having someone can make you feel alone and empty rather than being on your own, sadness rather than happiness, paranoia rather than confidence, and hopeless rather than hopeful.

Therefore I now declare that I really miss my old self, my old self that doesn't want anyone except for her family.

Guess that I am right that I'll be living alone someday. We will all be. And I am not afraid.

Sometimes, you just have to kill Hope

10.4.15

why are you doing this to me?

No, I know that I shouldn't ask you this question.

9.12.15 doubts and...nevermind

The care was never there
And I hate that I have given you the trust that I should've not given you in the first place.
Can we press the rewind button?
My oh my, I swear that this would be the last.

The post 9/11 entry

Me thinks that she need a friend today. *Cookie monster voice *

Good thing she has many, but she never had the guts to talk about it. More alcohol please.

Yes, I know we all have busy lives to be busy with. 

But where are you now that I need you?

21 Reasons Why You Should not be Proud of Being Busy

Before you say you don’t have time, here’s a better question:
Can you afford to stay the same and still grow?

1. When you’re busy, you aren’t present.

Life is made up of hundreds of thousands of moments. Some that move us, others that change us, and some that provoke us to action. Being busy takes us away from those moments.

Millennial expert Jullien Gordon has a remedy for this: know the difference between being a workaholic vs. a high performer. The former wants to look more important, but the latter seeks out important work. Knowing the difference can help you do more in each moment of your day.

2. When you’re busy, you opt out of opportunities.

Opportunities are everywhere. They come up in coffee shops, via social media outlets like Twitter, and through mutual connections. When you’re busy, you often miss opportunities because you only see them as distractions, not spaces for you to grow and advance.

8. When you’re busy, your vision gets blurry.

Ideally, you’re busy because you are working towards something. A new job, a promotion, financial freedom, or simply trying to change something. It’s hard to remember your “why” for doing what you do. But it’s arguably the most important motivator you’ll ever have.

That’s exactly what Lo, the founder of Can’t Stay Put, did. Can’t Stay Put is a lifestyle movement built to inspire people to break out of their comfort zones, see the world, and live the lives they only dreamed about. She did that by finding her vision and purpose on a trip to Maui, and hasn’t looked back since. She transformed her life by finding out exactly what she was supposed to be doing.

11. When you’re busy, you equate patience with complacency.

Great things take time and effort. With only a finite amount of time, you can control your effort. Sometimes we think our efforts should put us in a different place immediately. It’s never that simple, though. Being busy creates a myth of perpetual progress: the faster we move, the closer we are getting to our goals, right?

Not always. Your effort, multiplied by your consistency, is what sets you up to capitalize on the moments that are made for you to shine. Patience means you’re not watching the scoreboard, as you’re in the game everyday. Don’t count the number of shots you take, because you only need one to win the game.

13. When you’re busy, you don’t have time to think.

Thinking deeply and clearly is a skill that comes with practice. When we’re busy, we have to deal with floods of information, and often we are responsible for opening the dam. Professor and author Cal Newport describes the benefits of deep work (which requires deep thought) in three ways:

1. Continuous improvement of the value of your work output.
2. An increase in the total quantity of valuable output you produce.
3. Deeper satisfaction (aka., “passion”) for your work.

Those outcomes are exactly what we try to produce as a result of our productivity

15. When you’re busy, you aren’t working to your potential.

Being busy requires a consistent shifting of focus, which takes you away from using concentrated effort to complete the tasks you need too. The Harvard Business Review calls this cumulative attention debt, and it keeps people from generating new ideas and solutions to complex problems. Quicken Loans CEO Dan Gilbert has an insightful quote on how to tell if you’re really living up to where you should be:

“Innovation is rewarded, but execution is worshipped.”

You can only execute when you have the space to develop ideas. Being busy takes you out of that space.

16. When you’re busy, your friends can quickly become acquaintances.

Friendship is a critical component in how we engage in the world. We need other perspectives and opinions to help shape us, push us, and develop us. But being busy, we often put our friends on the fringes. We’re so busy on the grind that we don’t have time for their counsel or insights. That’s a risky endeavor, as they are sometimes the only people who are able to tell us about ourselves and have it stick. Make time for the people who will tell you the truth, especially when you don’t want to hear it.

18. When you’re busy, you’re really joining a cult no one ever wants to be in.

Everyone is always doing something, and our culture rewards efficiency, even when it’s not practical nor sustainable. The ‘cult of busy’ is an association that we opt into because of work, the speed of life, and an incessant desire to try and do everything. It taps our relationships, drains us physically, and leaves us confused and looking for answers. Work will always be there, but the connections and moments that we cherish and are intrinsic to our humanity, won’t be.

19. When you’re busy, you forget to dream.

Dreams fuel us. They let us break through our current state, and are the building blocks of desire. Without the dream, your passion and drive won’t be sustained long enough for you to actualize them. Dreaming is what allows seemingly ordinary people to do extraordinary things.

21. When you’re busy, you forget your “why”.

Your “why” allows you to achieve and persist under adverse circumstances, when a lot of other people might tap out. It’s what allows you to persevere through crazy work hours in the first place. But you’re not simply a worker. To consistently remember it though, you need to create time to refresh and think about the reason you do what you do.

Having things to do isn’t bad. But busyness without purposefulness is a recipe for burnout and personal dissatisfaction. Make 2015 the year for you to live (or find) your purpose, commitment  to being present, and fight to own your schedule. It isn’t easy, but nothing worth having is. Let’s make 2015 the year we measure the importance of the work we do, instead of how much of our calendars we can fill up. Let’s hold each other accountable and make this year the best we’ve ever had.

Retrieved from:
lifehack.org

Life is Unfair

The only thing that I don't like about the written form of communication is that the receiver can cut you off whenever they want to; AND they will only respond whenever they need you.

Nice, very nice.
And yes, you.

The Ones Who Chase Their Dreams Doesn't Always Quit Their Job

You need to put yourself into an uncomfortable position to make yourself fight for your dreams!

Make sure you wrestle with this decision a little. Listen to the ‘fear’ (fear is actually a good thing – it keeps us alive but also is often a precursor to doing something significant!) and involve others who care for you (and who you care for) in the decision and then make the move.

Sometimes you just need to jump and put yourself in a place where you’ve got no other option but to work your butt off to make your dream come true.

-ProBlogger.net

pera, pera, pera.

ano bang meron sa'yo at pinapaikot mo ang mundo ng iba?

buhay.hay naman

Doubts

I just don't believe the words that you've thrown.

And regardless of whether it’s a goal or other, if you don’t want it enough, then you don’t deserve it.

Why.are.you.doing.this.to.me?

Late Night Thoughts

“My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and never leave me, I need someone who understands that life happens and sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t want someone who sugar coats things and never gets angry with me, I need someone to tell me how it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go five hours without talking to you and not feel lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. I don’t need you, but I really fucking want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this and this how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a pretty good shot.” —anonymous ‪#‎LateNightThoughts‬

ArtParasitesOfficial

Sh*t happens

What do I want? To teach her to be wary without being fearful. To know that she can trust her gut. That if something feels wrong, that’s all the reason you need to get out of there. Don’t worry about being nice, or hurting someone’s feelings: they’ll get over it. Or, they won’t, and so what? You don’t have to wait, I want to tell her, until you have no choice. You have more power than you know. So say no. Say it loudly. Say it twice. And then get out of there, and come home.

-Sarah Dessen