I know, I was painfully naïve

Worth it pa ba?

 i always feel triggered kapag nakikita ko mukha niya. Gusto ko siyang bugbugin hanggang mapagod ako.

Gusto kong manapak tuwing nakikita ko atnaaalala ang mga pangan ng mga babae niya.

Will I ever get over this? Worth it pa ba?

Tuwing tatanugin nila ako 'bakit pa rin nag stay?' at sasabihin nilang'maswerte siya na andiyan ka pa rin'

Without any strings attached. Walang anak, di kasal, walang investments.

Di ko alam ang isasagot ko. Masyado ba akong takot umalis? Comfortable? Too invested? Pero nagawa ko naman umalis datu. 

Maglista daw ako bakit worth it pa. Sana may maisulat.

First psychotherapy session

I need to distance myself from the trigger

No more bargaining 

There's still hope, but I need to heal myself muna.

Journaling and talking to someone that you feel safe will help.

Sana talaga makatulong.

Concerns about getting married ASAP:

-social pressure (including family)

-biological clock

-image 

NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES.

If may ginawang betrayal ulit, please. NO MORE.

Trust is really hard to gain once destroyed.

I got destroyed multiple times. Not just one, not twice, not thrice, pero I was still there. All the ups and downs. 

If papayag ako, consciously or unconsciously, iisipin niya na AH OKLANG PALA ULITIN.

9 years walang mintis

Sa loob ng 9 na taon, lahat yun may babae.

Nagsisisi ka man lang ba nung naghiwalay tayo?

Malamang hindi. 2017, very  proud ka pa magsabi na mag ex na tayo. 

Samantalang di ko ma imagine na ganun yung itatawag ko sa'yo.

Goal mo ba ma try lahat?

2020. Kahit tayo pa, sasabihan mo na SINGLE KA. IN FRONT OF YOUR LIVE STREAM.

Magaling.

Pero tangina. Patayin mo na lang ako.

I’m just surprised that I am still alive.

With all the pain, things I don’t know if I should know, 

It is all coming back to me.

I am the one who was hurt the most, but why were you acting that it was my fault?

Am I not allowed to feel what I am feeling?

I was betrayed, I was kept in the dark.

It was your choice to find another, and another, and another.

Will you ever be satisfied?

I wonder how long will I suffer from hearing your voice message saying

“ikaw yung pinili ko, bakit di mo ko hinintay?”

to another woman.

I just have to applaud you for taking a retreat with me while having the guts to say this to her.

I am so tired of the death threats, and more threats.

Why are you doing this to me?

“it’ll be a different story if I am not single”

And meanwhile, getting another girl in bed…whom I will never ever expect. 

The one that I warned you with.

How did it come to this?

You weren’t even satisfied that you even took two more girls with the same name as mine.

I wonder what you were thinking?

And all the other girls that you invited.

And invited you over.

And they are aware, laughing that I didn’t knew.

And all the film that you were making,

It is all in my head.

Why am I such a such a fool?

Thinking you can still change.

I don’t have respect left for myself.

You are saying you’re doing everything, as if I didn’t sacrifice those years being tied to you.

What’s holding me back?

Those names keep running into my head.

Please. Stop.

How can I make the time stop?