I’m just surprised that I am still alive.

With all the pain, things I don’t know if I should know, 

It is all coming back to me.

I am the one who was hurt the most, but why were you acting that it was my fault?

Am I not allowed to feel what I am feeling?

I was betrayed, I was kept in the dark.

It was your choice to find another, and another, and another.

Will you ever be satisfied?

I wonder how long will I suffer from hearing your voice message saying

“ikaw yung pinili ko, bakit di mo ko hinintay?”

to another woman.

I just have to applaud you for taking a retreat with me while having the guts to say this to her.

I am so tired of the death threats, and more threats.

Why are you doing this to me?

“it’ll be a different story if I am not single”

And meanwhile, getting another girl in bed…whom I will never ever expect. 

The one that I warned you with.

How did it come to this?

You weren’t even satisfied that you even took two more girls with the same name as mine.

I wonder what you were thinking?

And all the other girls that you invited.

And invited you over.

And they are aware, laughing that I didn’t knew.

And all the film that you were making,

It is all in my head.

Why am I such a such a fool?

Thinking you can still change.

I don’t have respect left for myself.

You are saying you’re doing everything, as if I didn’t sacrifice those years being tied to you.

What’s holding me back?

Those names keep running into my head.

Please. Stop.

How can I make the time stop?

Help

And it’s been years…9 fucking years.

Just a few more days before the 9th.

Now I know how a prisoner feels like. 

I guess only death can set me free.

They say you control your life,

I want to say, you are lucky and blessed.

I can run and I can hide,

But the shadow is always here to stay.

Will I ever be free again?

This white sheet is just waiting for me to write again,

And thank you for not reacting violently on every single word that I am writing here.

A part of me wished that I didn’t know him,

But all the pain and suffering made me to who I am today - a combination of goodness and evil.

Some things I never knew I’d do,

Some things I wish I didn’t do,

Some things that I am thankful for, 

Some things that I learned,

Ultimately, it is I that will choose if I will swallow everything;

Or just accept everything and walk away.

Will you ever change?

All this time…I stayed.

A year from now, the roots will even grow stronger.

And if you know me,

Please come and help me.