I’m just surprised that I am still alive.

With all the pain, things I don’t know if I should know, 

It is all coming back to me.

I am the one who was hurt the most, but why were you acting that it was my fault?

Am I not allowed to feel what I am feeling?

I was betrayed, I was kept in the dark.

It was your choice to find another, and another, and another.

Will you ever be satisfied?

I wonder how long will I suffer from hearing your voice message saying

“ikaw yung pinili ko, bakit di mo ko hinintay?”

to another woman.

I just have to applaud you for taking a retreat with me while having the guts to say this to her.

I am so tired of the death threats, and more threats.

Why are you doing this to me?

“it’ll be a different story if I am not single”

And meanwhile, getting another girl in bed…whom I will never ever expect. 

The one that I warned you with.

How did it come to this?

You weren’t even satisfied that you even took two more girls with the same name as mine.

I wonder what you were thinking?

And all the other girls that you invited.

And invited you over.

And they are aware, laughing that I didn’t knew.

And all the film that you were making,

It is all in my head.

Why am I such a such a fool?

Thinking you can still change.

I don’t have respect left for myself.

You are saying you’re doing everything, as if I didn’t sacrifice those years being tied to you.

What’s holding me back?

Those names keep running into my head.

Please. Stop.

How can I make the time stop?

Help

And it’s been years…9 fucking years.

Just a few more days before the 9th.

Now I know how a prisoner feels like. 

I guess only death can set me free.

They say you control your life,

I want to say, you are lucky and blessed.

I can run and I can hide,

But the shadow is always here to stay.

Will I ever be free again?

This white sheet is just waiting for me to write again,

And thank you for not reacting violently on every single word that I am writing here.

A part of me wished that I didn’t know him,

But all the pain and suffering made me to who I am today - a combination of goodness and evil.

Some things I never knew I’d do,

Some things I wish I didn’t do,

Some things that I am thankful for, 

Some things that I learned,

Ultimately, it is I that will choose if I will swallow everything;

Or just accept everything and walk away.

Will you ever change?

All this time…I stayed.

A year from now, the roots will even grow stronger.

And if you know me,

Please come and help me.

I'll count from 1 to 3 from here

Most of the time, people become reluctant to rely onto others not because they weren't listening, nor they weren't there; it's because they did not make themselves feel that they were there for them.

I sometimes blame online technology for making communication more convenient and a lot easier; because we learn how people can easily ignore others as fast as a fraction of a second.

Do you know bad this person felt when needed a cushion or a channel to minimize the whole darkness inside?

Out of all those incidents, I'll be counting this as one, but definitely not the first. One, two, three and it will be soon all over.

I just can't seem to believe that having someone can make you feel alone and empty rather than being on your own, sadness rather than happiness, paranoia rather than confidence, and hopeless rather than hopeful.

Therefore I now declare that I really miss my old self, my old self that doesn't want anyone except for her family.

Guess that I am right that I'll be living alone someday. We will all be. And I am not afraid.

Sometimes, you just have to kill Hope

10.4.15

why are you doing this to me?

No, I know that I shouldn't ask you this question.