and it happened...

A face could be deceiving but the heart itself cannot be mislead.

It's really hard when you declare that you love someone or something; because at the time you declare is the time that you'll lose, you'll lose everything that you thought that you're happy and you'll be saying 'I think this is it'  and 'I won't find anything else for exchange'. I think that's the way life goes on. Maybe the next time that I feel something that is worth sacrificing for, it would be better to just ignore and just go with the flow. I'd prefer to live through a muddy-clear expression of feelings than to proclaim what the heart really says than be dumped that easily for knowing that being worth sacrificing for is equal to infinite forgiveness and no valuation of my self worth.

OJT

I'm on my nth day out of my 38 days in my practicum subject. So far, its been good for me when it comes to the relationship with the employees(although I haven't memorized all of their names correctly), they really are kind of me and because of that, they 'rarely' give my any other things to do, and I have limited resources to make myself busy.

Why did I say so?
I don't have my own desk and working computer(actually, I'm writing right now, during my working hours, good thing I can browse on this site, and finally, I'm using someone's computer while she's one of the participants of the on-going seminar somewhere in Mindanao. Thank God I had the chance to use one unit, but only up to this day, too bad), I'm only trying to make myself busy in reading books: to be precise, I already finished 6 books in an average of 3 days each book, that means I'm spending too much time on reading instead of working on something related to what I've studied although I know, as a trainee, that they will only give you clerical works most of the time, but they're giving me almost none.

Anyway, I've discovered a lot of authors lately and I'm going to read their novels the next day I had the chance to grab a copy of an e-book, a PDF copy or an actual book. Maybe I'll try to read Niccolo Machiavelli's "The Prince" or Victor Hugo's "Les Misérables". I'm really interested in reading this since high school because one of our teachers told us that Machiavelli's work has been one of the favorite books of late president Marcos during his regime.

Going through the whole point, it feels like I've been working here for years! I don't know if I'm the only one who feels bored, exasperated and anxious on my everyday routine: waking up 5:30 in the morning, dressing up at 6, preparing my things for work and leave the house at 6:45 then, you'll go home 7 or 8 in the evening and eat your late dinner at 9pm. I can probably relate this routine during my ordinary school days but this time, it feels like I'm emotionally and mentally tired, not because I'm doing too much mental thinking and analyzing tables, graphs and any other economic variables in the firm that I'm working on, but I'm tired because of the idle 'hours' that have been wasted. In short, I'm not really productive at all, in every single day. I don't know yet, but right at this moment, I don't know if I want to stay at this kind of workplace; I admit it has a good reputation and even a good working environment (working in a high rise building and good food served at the canteen), but I don't feel like I belong to this kind of work until the day that I'll retire.


'Lemme share you some things that I've experienced in my almost first half of my on the job training(this includes the pros and cons):

I'm Starting Again

I just can't help on looking at their pictures. When I'm looking at them one by one, I feel like they really wanted to make me feel like they don't need me anymore, that they wanted to show how I am NOT a part of them, that I'm just like a worthless shim, that they had no choice, that they don't like my presence, and just like that, they rejected all of my efforts and sacrifices.

New Heights

Have you seen this viral short film entitled "Love Language" from The Jubilee Project? 

This film had led to many different variations by other youtube users and subscribers and they all featured the same track. I've fallen in love with the music of this film from the moment I saw this, and then I did my research about this band called New Heights.

New Heights - Peaches

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This band is composed of Travis Graham (whom I found out that he is a half Filipino and Irish!), Chris Kwak, Kiyung Park, Tyler Carroll, and Bobby Walker. They have released their three studio EP’s to their credit, and recently, their first full-length album, “Something to Believe,” that was released on Sept. 25, 2011.

buts

Everybody doesn't have a chance to get what they want or even what they really needed. Sometimes, we must learn how to appreciate the things that are left with us. Based on what I've learned on all of my economics subject, everything depends on how you will look at the situation: when you looked at it on an optimistic way, it might love you back, or even gave you more than what what you deserve; and when you looked at the situation on a pessimistic side, things might just get a little bit worse or should I say 'messed up'?   But there will always be certain factors that may affect your decisions. And its not that easy to be grateful at the things that are left with you.

Sometimes, when we don't get what what we want, most of us try to bury ourselves in misery and despair, that we don't have any guts to kick some asses but rather think that we are just pain in the ass. They say that it is a good sign that we feel pain because we live on the cliche that 'we are humans, that we cannot get rid of the pain' or 'God has bigger plans for you' but we just can't accept the fact that its really painful, after the hard work and sacrifices that you've done to earn something and getting things that are much less than your average expectations, its just...its really hard to deal with this kind of situation.

Looking at my own state, I found out that it's really hard to hold back your tears when a sudden misfortune comes your way. They say you shouldn't let others see your weakness, but ...

okay, so I think I'll just cope up with this miserable situation, sail with the waves
And i'll be ready to prepare my big fake smile and continue to keep these tears on my mind.