Paranoid.

Yeah "Paranoid", I really do hate this feeling right now. But I hope that those things running right through this highly implausible mind was just a mere product of my head.

I couldn't stop thinking about what happened today and what had happened for the past few days. I just want to describe it in one simple word: "FAILURE" or the so-called "EPIC FAIL". Right at this very moment, I've been relating myself to this song of the band Simple Plan, "Welcome To My Life". You've probably heard this a long time ago but it's clearly singing right in my mind. The lyrics were crystal clear and every lines in this song describes my feeling today.

(you can sing with me if you want to)


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud 
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me


No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
---**

It feels so good that your friends tell you when you're down or when you feel terrible and all you can say is your mind is in chaos. They will say: "It's okay", "There will always be a next time", "If there's a debit, there will always be a credit", "You're not that bad! You did a great job!", "Next time you'll show them what you've got", and "Everything happens for a reason".

Being criticized by other people is too distressing; but friends tell you these things to make you strong even though it brings a lump into your throat for the first time you've taken their words. It's too painful at first, but then, you'll use these pain to immune yourself from future criticisms and to use this as a weapon to protect yourself from others.

So help me God.